but right now ive no energy to write.
i keep wanting to keep trying to think what i could write.for it needs to be somethig better than the shit im feeling.for otherwsie this would just be a blank page.im currently so tired of my own head that seems to be falling off that effort in even writing this seems all just to hard right npow.so sorry for my lack of posts internet.i no you must miss me terribly eh.
Friday, 13 January 2012
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
sickeness
its a revolting feeling insdie now.that constantly there,like something slowly noring away at my stomach,milimetre by mm slowly making me sicker and sicker.
today has been another tough one,and i fear they are only going to get worse now.
today has been another tough one,and i fear they are only going to get worse now.
Monday, 2 January 2012
started something
my friend does artwork via paint and ive find it so experesive of hersef.i thought id give it a try myself.
its helped so much,i wreckon if i didnt have the money worried on my shoulder id be feeling actually ok right now.its only that this sickening thing on my shoulder is hurting me right now that it hasnt.ive really enjoyed jst splatting down on pain on here and seeing wot comes out,the end drawing or quite bizarre.
hes my first piece.i no i no the galleries will be coming a calling haha.
also spoke to dad today,when he is like this he makes me feel i can overcome anything.shame he let me go.
its helped so much,i wreckon if i didnt have the money worried on my shoulder id be feeling actually ok right now.its only that this sickening thing on my shoulder is hurting me right now that it hasnt.ive really enjoyed jst splatting down on pain on here and seeing wot comes out,the end drawing or quite bizarre.
also spoke to dad today,when he is like this he makes me feel i can overcome anything.shame he let me go.
Sunday, 1 January 2012
busy today
i feel quite full of stuff today,but in a ive done stuffkind of way:P
its the new year.so was it jst coincindance i started it off this way.a kind of start something in a new years resolution kind of way that by tomorrow ill be doing just as shit and not be able to get out the house.yes i fear this will be sao.but back to today i sitll did something.i went out in the darkish morning at 7am.ok it was very dark indeed,.i stopped off by grnadad then walked bacl to church.i no it is a service on monday ubt i saw roland the vicar at the door and he offered me inside out the cold for a seat even though it was only 8am.hehe a bit of a nativity situaion i say.get the haggered girl in the shelter out the cold*-*
i sat there for a while and then shock horror the service stated.i was petrified in my seat,.sat stuck still.i couldnt move.i needed to get out yet i coukdnt.because how could i walk out,it felt like i would be walking out on god.
so i sat there.and then i found myslef wanting to stay there for the whole service.yet how could i when all my illness thoughts were whirling round in my head.it felt like i wasnt being good to god because i was still have bad ill thoughts in the house of the lord.
then d d dd the comunion wine and bread was being prepared.how could o eat this!!how could i stay so i dint.i got up like a wimp and ran out the door.now i feel worse because i couldnt even put my illness aside to have communion.oh shit bugger fuck it.haha and nows ive sworn.oh gosh today really isnt going nicely is it:(
i posted some letters,walked round a bit mre then headed home.
came upstairs and sat with pa for ages.we leanr stuff bout the war and lots more besides.it was great.he does know so much.it feels good i think this is the full of stuff felling.i have knowledge,at least until my terrible mmeory comes into play and makes me forget it all.so much stuff,interesting stuff to listen to though.
then ive done some art.more pop up card action.
and now i feel like shit for actually doing somehting in my day
its the new year.so was it jst coincindance i started it off this way.a kind of start something in a new years resolution kind of way that by tomorrow ill be doing just as shit and not be able to get out the house.yes i fear this will be sao.but back to today i sitll did something.i went out in the darkish morning at 7am.ok it was very dark indeed,.i stopped off by grnadad then walked bacl to church.i no it is a service on monday ubt i saw roland the vicar at the door and he offered me inside out the cold for a seat even though it was only 8am.hehe a bit of a nativity situaion i say.get the haggered girl in the shelter out the cold*-*
i sat there for a while and then shock horror the service stated.i was petrified in my seat,.sat stuck still.i couldnt move.i needed to get out yet i coukdnt.because how could i walk out,it felt like i would be walking out on god.
so i sat there.and then i found myslef wanting to stay there for the whole service.yet how could i when all my illness thoughts were whirling round in my head.it felt like i wasnt being good to god because i was still have bad ill thoughts in the house of the lord.
then d d dd the comunion wine and bread was being prepared.how could o eat this!!how could i stay so i dint.i got up like a wimp and ran out the door.now i feel worse because i couldnt even put my illness aside to have communion.oh shit bugger fuck it.haha and nows ive sworn.oh gosh today really isnt going nicely is it:(
i posted some letters,walked round a bit mre then headed home.
came upstairs and sat with pa for ages.we leanr stuff bout the war and lots more besides.it was great.he does know so much.it feels good i think this is the full of stuff felling.i have knowledge,at least until my terrible mmeory comes into play and makes me forget it all.so much stuff,interesting stuff to listen to though.
then ive done some art.more pop up card action.
and now i feel like shit for actually doing somehting in my day
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