answering question

iim going to answe questions from my friends blog.she does wonderful post each day.she had an eating disorder and now is fully recovered and writes beautifully about it,and about her new life now.shes an amazing inspiration.to us all not just suffers.being that brave doesnt just come wtih the ed it comes with everything in life and ma y could learn from her.

today she asked these and ill try and answer.
what is/was food to you.
she writes as was from her recovery i write as was before the illness as i havent recovered.food was to me something i enjoyed i think.our fmaily is on the good side of this i htink.we beleived in family meals.we beleived in leanring to cook from mum and going to grans to bake and stuff.all standing there fingers in the bowls making fiary cakes.lots of fmaily times were around food,like man y people lives.i can thin of god memories.becuase of the foods we shared.people often find this odd.like im more obsessed because i remeber food around good memories yet cnt allow myself to have it.yet i dont think people realise how much eveyr memory or things usually comes with a side of food.chirsmtas.birthdays.holidays they always have some food in there somewhere.and its a good thing i think.that i can think of these times.with the food being mized in with the good times.
it is very different to me now.its a fear,its something i cant explain in the pit of my stomach,i hate it,we can always describe how soemthing makes us feel in some way,but with food i cant.its an imcomprimable fear.something so string something so bad something so so ,aaaaareeee in the bottom of my feet to the tip of each hair badness.it doesnt make sense to me.its something so very very wrong and scary.but i cant descrbie why or how this is like it is.surely there cant be a reason anywya.its an ilogical illness to me.and i never want tit to make snese.because that would make it real.right almost.and its so not.

do you cook?how do you cook?do you eat what you cook?
i actually love to cook.i think there have deffinately been moments where i have become obsessed with the so called feeding people.and i think there is yes a veyr big part of me that appreciates it wehni give people food and they love it,becaue im needy for love yes,because i see them enjoying somehting i cant yes that too.but they are just extremes of what others/chefs feel too i wreckon.htough with my past as ive spoken bout above i think ive always loved food and cooking anywya and gotten pleasure from it.so id very much like to think that my love and passion for it is just somehting nautral that kate has that the un-ill me likes too.
i can cook lots of things.just the other day i made some xmas treats for people.my fridge cake.and truffles.and me and dad mad ethe epic leftover tirkey pie.
mum doesnt like me to cook much nowi dont think.i used to do it all the time and this concerned her,it got to much for her to handle i think.
i love reading books on food.finding out things on it.though i do this bout all things really.and i watch all the stuff on tv.hehe greg and jon on masterchef,come on who doesnt love them two.
do i cook what i eat,no i could never cook the nromal stuff and eat it.i cant to be honest bear it near me.i sitll crazily get scared touching it gets me calories.or sniffing it,.there was a time i wouldnt enter restuarants for these fears of absorbing it.i cant ever aimgine eating normal food.and normal i mean sutff that isnt veggies which i live off.so i eat what i cook for me.but the normal foods.gosh i feel the sick in my gut right now.no no i could never do this,and this hurts me so much,i feel actualy apin and tears that i wont ever manage this type of thing.

What is/was your biggest hindrance when it comes to cooking? Is it the calories? The fat? The carbs? What are/were your fears?
i think shes answered in her question her own question.its simply food.i hate it.i hate it all.
if i could i wouldnt eat.i wouldnt eat and just get thinner and thinner.

today gran came round.she a radom one.
mum tired to look after me.i feel im psushing her away,but its for her own safety now.,i havent told her this.shed get hurt to much i think.but i cant let her in anymore.ive been hurting her to much,.

hannah lost  paif of jeans.,because of all my past bad doings.she though it was me.for days ive beeon egg shells.ive been scared of looking at the fmaily here because i new they wrre suspiciosu of me.but how can i now get uspet when shes found them at her flat.because its my fault right,its my fault they can never trust me.yet it still hruts.the human kate feels very hurt at what she and they out me through.

when does actions become your own

when we do things becuase of some reason.a reason we cant control.does that mean we get off scot free.murderers dont.if they have an illness perhaps they do.but do people think any less badly of them if thye couldnt help it.or do they still see the shit theyve caused and cnt help but hate them.

do we ever have a cover up.are we ever not awful if we coimmmit awfulness.or how does the person doing it but cant help it not want to kill themselves for what they are doing,because they,at the end of the day are doing it.or feeling themselves doing it.seeing the pain they cause.not stopping because htey have to and cnt not do the bad thing.so feel at a desperat eway because they cant stop.
when does it ever stop.who is ever to blame if anyone

once again

so its already been a long time since my last post.i feel like i shouldnt.i have nothing interesting to ruight or for anyone.does it help me.i dpont no.the fact its out there nowhere to be found does i guess feel ok.though i would never be able to be completly honest just incase,so is there a point,am i just wasting vital bytes in the pc world:)
its been xmas since i last posted.we had lots of stuff happening.went down to my g-dids where the whole fmaily gathered.it was intense.lovely but the intensity overwhelmed the other stuff to be honest.mum was there for me so much.once again my appreciation for her grows.
we stayed the ngiht.it remeinded me of a time when gran was still there and shed leave a glass os ribena outside our dear for the mornign on a tea tray.i miss her,and wish she would come back sometimes.would she help.would she save me.is this wishful thikning.

the day after boxing day they all then trundled up to our house.we had 20 odd round the table plying a rather too competitive game of cranium.of course our team won.
i had a tough time that day.i thought the end was nigh i truly did.
im fed up of this feeling.of these thoughts.

ive let people down again.i destroyed something that wasnt mine to destroy.before i saw it as something i had to rid of,because it symbolised sutff.but now i see.its cluicked it wasnt mine it was a gift that wasnt mine.i gift for an another not for me,a gift.its different somehow.

this is a very confsuing post. a bit like where my head is at.a bundled u mess of things that go round together but dont fit enough to make sense.

i do love crhismtas,underneath all he darkness the human me still loves this time.though ive spotted the first easter stuff already!!

my friend came round to.shes been great.seen her mre than i have ever i think this holiday time and its been really nice too.
all lvoe in the air tongiht,until i fucked up.

me and dad worked wonders on the leftover turkey and made it into a pie with lots of leeks,sweetcorn and carrots.we worked so nicely togehter i really enjoyed it.all wit music on loud in the background.

brother really poorly.tonsels.yuk.i bought him some goodies from the shiop

got ahsamed and embaressed in front of sister.she must really hate me.i no.i.do...

anohter tough day?...why not

im really struggling with all my feelings at the moment.sturggling to keep going,or to wonder why i am when im such a useless piece of nothing,going nowhere,having nothing,doing nothing.hmf.had lots of tears to lose today.

i did speak to my uncle,.gosh its been a while.

did have an evening of comedy with mum which was lovely.and the borther had all his mates round getting tidly which is something i love as they are all really nice and have so much fun.i love seeing the bro having fun.and getting drunk:)

not much

i spoke to my uncle on the phone today.hes over here from his now home in texas.he doesnt holdmany conversations so this was nice.
and also spokem to my grandpa which is always nice.
went to pick up my prescritions and to do some little erands with mum.

watching this morning today and the one show so far.and ok ok a few soaps too.
looking through the radio times today at all the christmas things to come on tv.

relationships

they are too complicated and often too dam diffiuclt.
had a bust up with the dad.but do we ever not bust up.we seem to go from one scene of disagreemant with eacohter to the next.so we are either blazing,swearing and in full swing...sniping...or avoiding so we dont have to bring u p the argume t of the moment.i hate it,i hate how it it between us and how i fear him being at home for arguing with him.what a way to feel.i hate it.

i spoke to my auntie and she made me feel bettr,i often ring her in times of need and just writing that down here makes me think i need to email her to show my appreciation because she really is there so much for me.

i miss mum today.i wanted to be wth her mre but the dad made it impossible.

good thing to make todays shit not seem so bad:finsihed book and started great new one.
brothers home:)

homeward bound

so my brother is coming home today.hes been at university and is home for crhist mas this morning.
ive had a rough old start to the day.but ive  managed to do some drawing and read my book which is nice.

hearing sounds scares me today.unfamilar and familar ones.the ones/doors you dont want to here open.or shut.some footsteps you recognise and dont want to get louder because it means they are gettging closer to you.
some sounds though,a cough from her.a buurrrgh as she shivers in the cold.the swing of the fire door as its being fed and warmed.and 'the manor born'show ive got on in the background,these are plkesant and keeping me going.

thing for the day.my american cousins are flying over from texas today to be here for christmas.im nervous.dreading it and feel guilty for having these feelings.

could it get any worse

we often ask this.or i know i do.
but then it seems just as i think it cant it does.how does this happen. what is bottom.what is as bad as it gets.can you never ever say things cant get worse than this because you can indeed go low and lower until your dead.is that when enough is enough.
im always wishing for some kind of explanation.why people go through things.
people say god does things for a reason.and i cant help but thinking why put ceritan people through ceritan pains.we say to make them stronger,change things.make peopleudnersatand or better for it.but i feel guilty to hom for also asking why.why the pain to help people change.see or be different or stronger.cant we get it in another way.
or is it we somehow deserve these bad things.if they keep happening is it becaue we are bad,need bad things then to happen.but then some bad people dont get bad happen.they get away with it.or do they,do they get their cumupponce i nthe after life.who knows.do i beleive in the afterlife.oh my gawsh so many questions with not one answe.
is there ever an aswer to anything.because everyone has their own interprutations on everything,with everyone thinking different with a diffferent answer so can we ever have an actual answer.
oh my gosh my head has totally turned into mush.
but that is indeed how it feels today.mush.so full of questions.mush.so full of fear.mush.im jst a big mush today,and i wonder can it really get in worse.yes.and i think and i fear and im petirfied its going to and when.can i go on to cope.i jsut dont know anymore.as it all veyr hard indeed.

i thank the people i do have though.the ones that stroke my head that cuddle me close and never let go.they are the ones that keep me breathing.whether i want to or not.im here for them.becuase i love the,

so life goes on does it?

life hard.im not sure what to share yet on here.what i feel able to,what people might see,what is appropriate,the right things to say to get what i want out there or so not to offend or upset either myslef,other or the ones i love,do people share it all on here.as you can see im not even sure on my font yet never mind what is written in it once i decide!!

today has been a hard day though.for many reasons i suffer with some issues with my mouth,ive had extensive surgery,i think at the moment its too painful to go into that.a blog is almost like a new friend isnt it.you dont quite know how open you want to be with it yet so just have to set up some ground work first and thats what i think ill stick to at the moment.so there be lots of outlines of things without having to delve into the really heavy stuff.its feels safe enough for me right now.

but i was booked into the denitst for an emergency appointment,its at a lovely place who are always really good to me.the cost isnt but blah we say that about everything nowadays dont we.she repacked an infected tooth.basically the newest drame in my mouths little horror movie is a dead root and nerve that just rotted the insdie of my mouth traveling to my nose.yes youd think pain think BIGGER pain and your not even close.i went on monday and wa sput on antibiotics but due to shitty care ive not had the rest sorted,so the infections gotten worse.and now on mre anitbods.oh joy.
its banana medicine,or this is what we called it as kiddie winks.i remeber staring from the kithcen door at the stuff as a kid thinking noooo not that again mummy.now its not so good either as theyve taken all the good stuff out.the sugar:)
but well see what happens now.fingers crossed this pain will sease a little.both mentally and pysically its drainging me.and with all else in my life going shit(again friend i cnt trust you with the rest yet)its all getting too much.

here is something good.apart from the lvoe ym parents gave me.i drew. here a sampler of my xmas card.

arent these three and their doggy cute,i love drawing this one.,anyone want to commision me and want me to draw forever for them feel free to ask.

pig stuck in the mud

not a happy pig like this one!!

im stuck.im my own man made mud,it made from mess and shit and horrid stuff ive prdouced myself.how do i get out of it.how do i leave stuff behind that grips every part of my being.cany anyone ever really let go.people who have affairs.do they ever leave the lover behind.alchoholics,can anyone ever be cured completely and not go through hellish days.

over eaters can they ever resist completewly.

drug addicts.

or is it always a fight to stay on the rihgt path,and if so cani cope with that fight and do i want to if its going to be so hard and a constant battle.if its always going to be wanting to drag me back.tempt me to a life like this again.why move away.why try and fight.

im missing the kids today.i cant see them due to be ill in bed.i do miss them.but again when i dont see them its easier to run away from responisbilites and keep hiding.

facts of the moment:

currently:watching this morning

have:read my maeve binchey book and almost at the end.

spoke to:my dad,mum and the emergency dentist as ive an absess in my tooth.

done:dishwahser like a good daughter,replied to a few email,researched pressies for my usueless father to give to my mum.

watched:one tree hilland ugly betty and gossip girl repeats.

starting this,trying to anyway

starting a new blog.what for,i dont no.not for anyone else as the posts ill put up wont interest or help anyone.
ive always love writing,from even when i was little and i used to write newspaper articles in my 'little red folder' with stories in it such as girls being saved in frozen rivers,dogs recusing there bones in the garden,robbers,all sorts.i love it.i used to pretened to be a teacher in my room and loved the writing there.
loved english.i wirte for angland too.there is not such a thing as keeping it short and simple with me.the teacher once told me to stop working so hard and wirting so much once!!so yes i love to write.
so i guess that just what im going to do here.just keep writing.perhaps it will help with all that going off round here,perhaps not.
but i read blogs every day.im jealous of how great,inspriation,witty and clever they are.mine mst ceitranly wont be any of those things and this makes me sad.
but i just want ot write.so i will.and if i give it up in  day then so be it.but for now im writing.and i like that.
though im sitll hating myself for not being interested enough,have enough firends,do enough.know enough or eat,cook restaurant it up enough to put a good blog together that people flock to like i read every day,but jeakousy will have to stay as i dont have any of those things.

a few things about me.
i love my family
love reading.
im a deff foodie.obsesssed ok ok.-read millions of food blogs a day:)-
i love animals
love helping people
love people when they are kind
love greg davies,dara and mickey flanigan
love a good movie,shawshank.green mile.oh and yes the odd chikc flick or thousand in there too!!
tv holic
no smoking or drinking for me
i love to draw and love art.
love it when people make others happy when you hear something that makes yyou involenterily smile:)-aaahaha u did then didnt ya'll

is currently watching young apprentice.and waitng for the bathroom to be free,jiggling my ass off because im desperate!!