but right now ive no energy to write.
i keep wanting to keep trying to think what i could write.for it needs to be somethig better than the shit im feeling.for otherwsie this would just be a blank page.im currently so tired of my own head that seems to be falling off that effort in even writing this seems all just to hard right npow.so sorry for my lack of posts internet.i no you must miss me terribly eh.
Friday, 13 January 2012
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
sickeness
its a revolting feeling insdie now.that constantly there,like something slowly noring away at my stomach,milimetre by mm slowly making me sicker and sicker.
today has been another tough one,and i fear they are only going to get worse now.
today has been another tough one,and i fear they are only going to get worse now.
Monday, 2 January 2012
started something
my friend does artwork via paint and ive find it so experesive of hersef.i thought id give it a try myself.
its helped so much,i wreckon if i didnt have the money worried on my shoulder id be feeling actually ok right now.its only that this sickening thing on my shoulder is hurting me right now that it hasnt.ive really enjoyed jst splatting down on pain on here and seeing wot comes out,the end drawing or quite bizarre.
hes my first piece.i no i no the galleries will be coming a calling haha.
also spoke to dad today,when he is like this he makes me feel i can overcome anything.shame he let me go.
its helped so much,i wreckon if i didnt have the money worried on my shoulder id be feeling actually ok right now.its only that this sickening thing on my shoulder is hurting me right now that it hasnt.ive really enjoyed jst splatting down on pain on here and seeing wot comes out,the end drawing or quite bizarre.
also spoke to dad today,when he is like this he makes me feel i can overcome anything.shame he let me go.
Sunday, 1 January 2012
busy today
i feel quite full of stuff today,but in a ive done stuffkind of way:P
its the new year.so was it jst coincindance i started it off this way.a kind of start something in a new years resolution kind of way that by tomorrow ill be doing just as shit and not be able to get out the house.yes i fear this will be sao.but back to today i sitll did something.i went out in the darkish morning at 7am.ok it was very dark indeed,.i stopped off by grnadad then walked bacl to church.i no it is a service on monday ubt i saw roland the vicar at the door and he offered me inside out the cold for a seat even though it was only 8am.hehe a bit of a nativity situaion i say.get the haggered girl in the shelter out the cold*-*
i sat there for a while and then shock horror the service stated.i was petrified in my seat,.sat stuck still.i couldnt move.i needed to get out yet i coukdnt.because how could i walk out,it felt like i would be walking out on god.
so i sat there.and then i found myslef wanting to stay there for the whole service.yet how could i when all my illness thoughts were whirling round in my head.it felt like i wasnt being good to god because i was still have bad ill thoughts in the house of the lord.
then d d dd the comunion wine and bread was being prepared.how could o eat this!!how could i stay so i dint.i got up like a wimp and ran out the door.now i feel worse because i couldnt even put my illness aside to have communion.oh shit bugger fuck it.haha and nows ive sworn.oh gosh today really isnt going nicely is it:(
i posted some letters,walked round a bit mre then headed home.
came upstairs and sat with pa for ages.we leanr stuff bout the war and lots more besides.it was great.he does know so much.it feels good i think this is the full of stuff felling.i have knowledge,at least until my terrible mmeory comes into play and makes me forget it all.so much stuff,interesting stuff to listen to though.
then ive done some art.more pop up card action.
and now i feel like shit for actually doing somehting in my day
its the new year.so was it jst coincindance i started it off this way.a kind of start something in a new years resolution kind of way that by tomorrow ill be doing just as shit and not be able to get out the house.yes i fear this will be sao.but back to today i sitll did something.i went out in the darkish morning at 7am.ok it was very dark indeed,.i stopped off by grnadad then walked bacl to church.i no it is a service on monday ubt i saw roland the vicar at the door and he offered me inside out the cold for a seat even though it was only 8am.hehe a bit of a nativity situaion i say.get the haggered girl in the shelter out the cold*-*
i sat there for a while and then shock horror the service stated.i was petrified in my seat,.sat stuck still.i couldnt move.i needed to get out yet i coukdnt.because how could i walk out,it felt like i would be walking out on god.
so i sat there.and then i found myslef wanting to stay there for the whole service.yet how could i when all my illness thoughts were whirling round in my head.it felt like i wasnt being good to god because i was still have bad ill thoughts in the house of the lord.
then d d dd the comunion wine and bread was being prepared.how could o eat this!!how could i stay so i dint.i got up like a wimp and ran out the door.now i feel worse because i couldnt even put my illness aside to have communion.oh shit bugger fuck it.haha and nows ive sworn.oh gosh today really isnt going nicely is it:(
i posted some letters,walked round a bit mre then headed home.
came upstairs and sat with pa for ages.we leanr stuff bout the war and lots more besides.it was great.he does know so much.it feels good i think this is the full of stuff felling.i have knowledge,at least until my terrible mmeory comes into play and makes me forget it all.so much stuff,interesting stuff to listen to though.
then ive done some art.more pop up card action.
and now i feel like shit for actually doing somehting in my day
Saturday, 31 December 2011
answering question
iim going to answe questions from my friends blog.she does wonderful post each day.she had an eating disorder and now is fully recovered and writes beautifully about it,and about her new life now.shes an amazing inspiration.to us all not just suffers.being that brave doesnt just come wtih the ed it comes with everything in life and ma y could learn from her.
today she asked these and ill try and answer.
what is/was food to you.
she writes as was from her recovery i write as was before the illness as i havent recovered.food was to me something i enjoyed i think.our fmaily is on the good side of this i htink.we beleived in family meals.we beleived in leanring to cook from mum and going to grans to bake and stuff.all standing there fingers in the bowls making fiary cakes.lots of fmaily times were around food,like man y people lives.i can thin of god memories.becuase of the foods we shared.people often find this odd.like im more obsessed because i remeber food around good memories yet cnt allow myself to have it.yet i dont think people realise how much eveyr memory or things usually comes with a side of food.chirsmtas.birthdays.holidays they always have some food in there somewhere.and its a good thing i think.that i can think of these times.with the food being mized in with the good times.
it is very different to me now.its a fear,its something i cant explain in the pit of my stomach,i hate it,we can always describe how soemthing makes us feel in some way,but with food i cant.its an imcomprimable fear.something so string something so bad something so so ,aaaaareeee in the bottom of my feet to the tip of each hair badness.it doesnt make sense to me.its something so very very wrong and scary.but i cant descrbie why or how this is like it is.surely there cant be a reason anywya.its an ilogical illness to me.and i never want tit to make snese.because that would make it real.right almost.and its so not.
do you cook?how do you cook?do you eat what you cook?
i actually love to cook.i think there have deffinately been moments where i have become obsessed with the so called feeding people.and i think there is yes a veyr big part of me that appreciates it wehni give people food and they love it,becaue im needy for love yes,because i see them enjoying somehting i cant yes that too.but they are just extremes of what others/chefs feel too i wreckon.htough with my past as ive spoken bout above i think ive always loved food and cooking anywya and gotten pleasure from it.so id very much like to think that my love and passion for it is just somehting nautral that kate has that the un-ill me likes too.
i can cook lots of things.just the other day i made some xmas treats for people.my fridge cake.and truffles.and me and dad mad ethe epic leftover tirkey pie.
mum doesnt like me to cook much nowi dont think.i used to do it all the time and this concerned her,it got to much for her to handle i think.
i love reading books on food.finding out things on it.though i do this bout all things really.and i watch all the stuff on tv.hehe greg and jon on masterchef,come on who doesnt love them two.
do i cook what i eat,no i could never cook the nromal stuff and eat it.i cant to be honest bear it near me.i sitll crazily get scared touching it gets me calories.or sniffing it,.there was a time i wouldnt enter restuarants for these fears of absorbing it.i cant ever aimgine eating normal food.and normal i mean sutff that isnt veggies which i live off.so i eat what i cook for me.but the normal foods.gosh i feel the sick in my gut right now.no no i could never do this,and this hurts me so much,i feel actualy apin and tears that i wont ever manage this type of thing.
What is/was your biggest hindrance when it comes to cooking? Is it the calories? The fat? The carbs? What are/were your fears?
i think shes answered in her question her own question.its simply food.i hate it.i hate it all.
if i could i wouldnt eat.i wouldnt eat and just get thinner and thinner.
today gran came round.she a radom one.
mum tired to look after me.i feel im psushing her away,but its for her own safety now.,i havent told her this.shed get hurt to much i think.but i cant let her in anymore.ive been hurting her to much,.
hannah lost paif of jeans.,because of all my past bad doings.she though it was me.for days ive beeon egg shells.ive been scared of looking at the fmaily here because i new they wrre suspiciosu of me.but how can i now get uspet when shes found them at her flat.because its my fault right,its my fault they can never trust me.yet it still hruts.the human kate feels very hurt at what she and they out me through.
today she asked these and ill try and answer.
what is/was food to you.
she writes as was from her recovery i write as was before the illness as i havent recovered.food was to me something i enjoyed i think.our fmaily is on the good side of this i htink.we beleived in family meals.we beleived in leanring to cook from mum and going to grans to bake and stuff.all standing there fingers in the bowls making fiary cakes.lots of fmaily times were around food,like man y people lives.i can thin of god memories.becuase of the foods we shared.people often find this odd.like im more obsessed because i remeber food around good memories yet cnt allow myself to have it.yet i dont think people realise how much eveyr memory or things usually comes with a side of food.chirsmtas.birthdays.holidays they always have some food in there somewhere.and its a good thing i think.that i can think of these times.with the food being mized in with the good times.
it is very different to me now.its a fear,its something i cant explain in the pit of my stomach,i hate it,we can always describe how soemthing makes us feel in some way,but with food i cant.its an imcomprimable fear.something so string something so bad something so so ,aaaaareeee in the bottom of my feet to the tip of each hair badness.it doesnt make sense to me.its something so very very wrong and scary.but i cant descrbie why or how this is like it is.surely there cant be a reason anywya.its an ilogical illness to me.and i never want tit to make snese.because that would make it real.right almost.and its so not.
do you cook?how do you cook?do you eat what you cook?
i actually love to cook.i think there have deffinately been moments where i have become obsessed with the so called feeding people.and i think there is yes a veyr big part of me that appreciates it wehni give people food and they love it,becaue im needy for love yes,because i see them enjoying somehting i cant yes that too.but they are just extremes of what others/chefs feel too i wreckon.htough with my past as ive spoken bout above i think ive always loved food and cooking anywya and gotten pleasure from it.so id very much like to think that my love and passion for it is just somehting nautral that kate has that the un-ill me likes too.
i can cook lots of things.just the other day i made some xmas treats for people.my fridge cake.and truffles.and me and dad mad ethe epic leftover tirkey pie.
mum doesnt like me to cook much nowi dont think.i used to do it all the time and this concerned her,it got to much for her to handle i think.
i love reading books on food.finding out things on it.though i do this bout all things really.and i watch all the stuff on tv.hehe greg and jon on masterchef,come on who doesnt love them two.
do i cook what i eat,no i could never cook the nromal stuff and eat it.i cant to be honest bear it near me.i sitll crazily get scared touching it gets me calories.or sniffing it,.there was a time i wouldnt enter restuarants for these fears of absorbing it.i cant ever aimgine eating normal food.and normal i mean sutff that isnt veggies which i live off.so i eat what i cook for me.but the normal foods.gosh i feel the sick in my gut right now.no no i could never do this,and this hurts me so much,i feel actualy apin and tears that i wont ever manage this type of thing.
What is/was your biggest hindrance when it comes to cooking? Is it the calories? The fat? The carbs? What are/were your fears?
i think shes answered in her question her own question.its simply food.i hate it.i hate it all.
if i could i wouldnt eat.i wouldnt eat and just get thinner and thinner.
today gran came round.she a radom one.
mum tired to look after me.i feel im psushing her away,but its for her own safety now.,i havent told her this.shed get hurt to much i think.but i cant let her in anymore.ive been hurting her to much,.
hannah lost paif of jeans.,because of all my past bad doings.she though it was me.for days ive beeon egg shells.ive been scared of looking at the fmaily here because i new they wrre suspiciosu of me.but how can i now get uspet when shes found them at her flat.because its my fault right,its my fault they can never trust me.yet it still hruts.the human kate feels very hurt at what she and they out me through.
Friday, 30 December 2011
when does actions become your own
when we do things becuase of some reason.a reason we cant control.does that mean we get off scot free.murderers dont.if they have an illness perhaps they do.but do people think any less badly of them if thye couldnt help it.or do they still see the shit theyve caused and cnt help but hate them.
do we ever have a cover up.are we ever not awful if we coimmmit awfulness.or how does the person doing it but cant help it not want to kill themselves for what they are doing,because they,at the end of the day are doing it.or feeling themselves doing it.seeing the pain they cause.not stopping because htey have to and cnt not do the bad thing.so feel at a desperat eway because they cant stop.
when does it ever stop.who is ever to blame if anyone
do we ever have a cover up.are we ever not awful if we coimmmit awfulness.or how does the person doing it but cant help it not want to kill themselves for what they are doing,because they,at the end of the day are doing it.or feeling themselves doing it.seeing the pain they cause.not stopping because htey have to and cnt not do the bad thing.so feel at a desperat eway because they cant stop.
when does it ever stop.who is ever to blame if anyone
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