answering question

iim going to answe questions from my friends blog.she does wonderful post each day.she had an eating disorder and now is fully recovered and writes beautifully about it,and about her new life now.shes an amazing inspiration.to us all not just suffers.being that brave doesnt just come wtih the ed it comes with everything in life and ma y could learn from her.

today she asked these and ill try and answer.
what is/was food to you.
she writes as was from her recovery i write as was before the illness as i havent recovered.food was to me something i enjoyed i think.our fmaily is on the good side of this i htink.we beleived in family meals.we beleived in leanring to cook from mum and going to grans to bake and stuff.all standing there fingers in the bowls making fiary cakes.lots of fmaily times were around food,like man y people lives.i can thin of god memories.becuase of the foods we shared.people often find this odd.like im more obsessed because i remeber food around good memories yet cnt allow myself to have it.yet i dont think people realise how much eveyr memory or things usually comes with a side of food.chirsmtas.birthdays.holidays they always have some food in there somewhere.and its a good thing i think.that i can think of these times.with the food being mized in with the good times.
it is very different to me now.its a fear,its something i cant explain in the pit of my stomach,i hate it,we can always describe how soemthing makes us feel in some way,but with food i cant.its an imcomprimable fear.something so string something so bad something so so ,aaaaareeee in the bottom of my feet to the tip of each hair badness.it doesnt make sense to me.its something so very very wrong and scary.but i cant descrbie why or how this is like it is.surely there cant be a reason anywya.its an ilogical illness to me.and i never want tit to make snese.because that would make it real.right almost.and its so not.

do you cook?how do you cook?do you eat what you cook?
i actually love to cook.i think there have deffinately been moments where i have become obsessed with the so called feeding people.and i think there is yes a veyr big part of me that appreciates it wehni give people food and they love it,becaue im needy for love yes,because i see them enjoying somehting i cant yes that too.but they are just extremes of what others/chefs feel too i wreckon.htough with my past as ive spoken bout above i think ive always loved food and cooking anywya and gotten pleasure from it.so id very much like to think that my love and passion for it is just somehting nautral that kate has that the un-ill me likes too.
i can cook lots of things.just the other day i made some xmas treats for people.my fridge cake.and truffles.and me and dad mad ethe epic leftover tirkey pie.
mum doesnt like me to cook much nowi dont think.i used to do it all the time and this concerned her,it got to much for her to handle i think.
i love reading books on food.finding out things on it.though i do this bout all things really.and i watch all the stuff on tv.hehe greg and jon on masterchef,come on who doesnt love them two.
do i cook what i eat,no i could never cook the nromal stuff and eat it.i cant to be honest bear it near me.i sitll crazily get scared touching it gets me calories.or sniffing it,.there was a time i wouldnt enter restuarants for these fears of absorbing it.i cant ever aimgine eating normal food.and normal i mean sutff that isnt veggies which i live off.so i eat what i cook for me.but the normal foods.gosh i feel the sick in my gut right now.no no i could never do this,and this hurts me so much,i feel actualy apin and tears that i wont ever manage this type of thing.

What is/was your biggest hindrance when it comes to cooking? Is it the calories? The fat? The carbs? What are/were your fears?
i think shes answered in her question her own question.its simply food.i hate it.i hate it all.
if i could i wouldnt eat.i wouldnt eat and just get thinner and thinner.

today gran came round.she a radom one.
mum tired to look after me.i feel im psushing her away,but its for her own safety now.,i havent told her this.shed get hurt to much i think.but i cant let her in anymore.ive been hurting her to much,.

hannah lost  paif of jeans.,because of all my past bad doings.she though it was me.for days ive beeon egg shells.ive been scared of looking at the fmaily here because i new they wrre suspiciosu of me.but how can i now get uspet when shes found them at her flat.because its my fault right,its my fault they can never trust me.yet it still hruts.the human kate feels very hurt at what she and they out me through.